Hold Me Tight — A Book About Love and Keeping It!
“We now know that love is, in actuality, the pinnacle of evolution, the most compelling survival mechanism of the human species. Not because it induces us to mate and reproduce. We do manage to mate without love! But because love drives us to bond emotionally with a precious few others who offer us safe haven from the storms of life. Love is our bulwark, designed to provide emotional protection so we can cope with the ups and downs of existence.
“This drive to emotionally attach—to find someone to whom we can turn and say “Hold me tight”—is wired into our genes and our bodies. It is as basic to life, health, and happiness as the drives for food, shelter, or sex. We need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy—to survive.
Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, p.8
In this article I want to provide a short overview of an EFT-centric book about love, relationship, and forming secure attachments with our beloved ones: Hold Me Tight. In this book, Dr. Sue Johnson (the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT) translates decades of attachment research into seven transformative conversations about love, helping us heal disconnection, soften stuck patterns, and build more secure, emotionally responsive bonds with those we love.
Despite approaching the topics with the precision and nuance of an expert therapist, her style is expressive and down-to-earth throughout. Using stories inspired by her clinical work, Dr. Johnson paints a clear picture of adult love that demystifies romantic connection and highlights the innate human need for safety, belonging, and connection. Dr. Johnson provides a framework to help us reconceptualize our relationships through the lens of attachment science, with practical guidance to move from stuckness and disconnection—and sometimes even painful cycles of reactivity—toward softer connecting patterns of safety, responsiveness, and emotional closeness.
In my work as a relationship therapist, I have seen firsthand the power of secure love and the stunning potential for relationship repair with attachment science, and EFT, as a guide. The impact of attachment is universal, and these principles apply to all relationships and all humans—whether queer or straight, monogamous or polyamorous, neurodivergent or neurotypical.
Whether you’re in a long-term relationship (or two!), navigating a rough patch, new to love, or simply curious about what makes love last, this book offers a hopeful and deeply human roadmap to more secure connection. And if you’re curious to learn more about EFT, you can visit https://iceeft.com/ for more information, or go to https://pgheft.org/ to find a local therapist. You can also read my other article, An Introduction to Emotionally-Focused Therapy, for more information about EFT.
More Reads
For those looking for further resources related to this, Hold Me Tight also has an accompanying workbook that guides partners through these conversations together with practical exercises and worksheets.
For readers who want to further explore cultivating intimacy and connection in long-term relationships you might also enjoy Come Together by Emily Nagoski (a follow-up to Come As You Are) for a science-based look at intimacy in long-term relationships.
Additionally, Polysecure by Jessica Fern is a thorough but accessible deep dive into attachment and building secure bonds—useful for anyone, monogamous or poly/CNM alike. This book is also followed by PolyWise, which offers a more advanced exploration of these concepts for polyamorous/CNM individuals and relationships.